


ghostin'

by nephilimteas (izusuki)



Series: music is a reflection of the soul [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Castiel (Supernatural) in Purgatory, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, Pining, Pre-Slash, Purgatory, Sex, Songfic, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 09:45:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17764451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izusuki/pseuds/nephilimteas
Summary: i know you hear me when i cryi try to hold it in at nightwhile you're sleeping next to meSam misses Castiel while he's in Purgatory.





	ghostin'

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by ariana grande's ghostin': https://youtu.be/Qztc5UGupj4

_i know you hear me when i cry_

_i try to hold it in at night_

_while you're sleeping next to me_

 

Sam wonders if there was even a time before he loved Castiel. It seemed like his entire existence, he’d been in love with the angel, even when he didn’t know it. The absence of his presence was much more unsettling than he could’ve imagined.

 

_but it's your arms that i need this time_

 

Amelia was a comfort. She knew about grieving, and it was nice to have someone by his side.

 

_look at the cards that we've been dealt_

 

It was funny to him, sometimes. How two people who lost the ones they loved found each other. Sam didn’t know if he loved Amelia the way he cared for Cas, but she was enough, most of the time.

 

_if you were anybody else_

_probably wouldn't last a day_

 

He thinks that if she hadn’t lost Don, she wouldn’t understand his pain. That’s what drew him to her in the first place. He recognized the look in her eyes. It was the same one he saw when he looked into the mirror.

 

_baby, you do it so well_

_you been so understanding, you been so good_

_and i'm puttin' you through more than one ever should_

_and i'm hating myself 'cause you don't want to_

_admit that it hurts you_

 

Sam’s not sure why, but Amelia’s less broken up about Don than Sam is about Castiel. Maybe it’s because she’s had more time to grieve, or maybe it’s because he and Cas never had a chance to love each other. Before the Cage, he thought maybe it was mutual, but then everything started to go to shit.

 

_i know that it breaks your heart when i cry again_

_over him_

_i know that it breaks your heart when i cry again_

_instead of ghostin' him_

 

It’s unfair to Amelia, he admits, but he can’t get himself to leave. She’s the only thing keeping him together. He suspects that if he left, she’d be broken too.

 

_we'll get through this, we'll get past this, i'm a girl with_

_a whole lot of baggage_

_but i love you, we'll get past this, i'm a girl with_

_a whole lot of baggage_

 

It’s stupid, but he has hope for them. Sam doesn’t think he can rescue Dean and Cas, but he knows they’re alive, and that’s enough for him. He doesn’t truly mourn them. He just misses them, he tells himself. So he holds out hope that him and Amelia could be happy together.

 

_though i wish he were here instead_

_don't want that living in your head_

 

It’s his best kept secret, a shameful thought he has every now and then: “If Castiel walked through that door right now, with his blue eyes and trenchcoat, I would leave Amelia without a second thought.” It keeps him awake at night. And he knows he will never, ever, tell her that every time they’re having sex, the moment right before he comes, he imagines his angel beneath him, hair ruffled and tie askew, and that’s what pushes him over the edge.

 

_he just comes to visit me_

_when i'm dreaming every now and then_

 

He dreams of Cas often. Sometimes it’s simple things, like showing Castiel how to look for cases, or teaching him how to drive. But other times, he thinks about fucking him, what Cas’ moans and whimpers would sound like, and how Castiel’s deep voice would say his name if he thrusted faster. A tiny, nagging corner of his mind likes to think that Castiel actually does visit him, his grace somehow reaching out from Purgatory, meaning that he’ll return. But Sam doesn’t hold his breath.

 

_and after all that we been through_

_there's so much to look forward to_

 

Excitement bubbles up when he thinks about a quiet life with Amelia. It’s what he’s always wanted, secretly. He just wishes he had his brother and his angel.

 

_what was done and what was said_

_leave it all here in this bed with you_

 

Slowly, he does start to relax. He realizes that Dean and Castiel are just going to be in Purgatory. He shouldn’t keep his ears tuned for a flap of wings or a gravelly “Sam”. It becomes slightly more comfortable to breathe.

 

And then Dean returns.

 

And Sam finally has to mourn Castiel.

**Author's Note:**

> :')
> 
> i said happy ending bc u know that cas comes back, so. take that how you will.


End file.
